Not so happy Valentine’s Day
Quick note: I wrote this on February 14, 2021, but couldn’t publish.
It’s been 13 days since Mr SF broke up with me. It’s been 13 days of shock, tears, sadness, self-evaluation and the occasional relief. The relief is what is helping me keep things together. But I don’t feel it as often as I want to.
It’s been 13 days since I talked to the man I was certain was the love of my life and my husband someday really soon.
It’s also Valentine’s Day, the international day of love and also a constant reminder of what I had with Mr SF and what I lost.
I’ve never been a fan of Valentine’s Day. Mostly because I’ve never had a great one. In the past, I was either single or dating someone who didn’t think it was a big deal.
It is a big deal to me apparently — I just discovered that my primary love language is probably gift giving. Every year, I expect the person I’m with to go all out for me, but they don’t. I tell myself it’s no biggie. But it is. It always has been.
Today was exceptionally difficult and depressing. Pictures and pictures of people with their partners, happy and showing off their gifts. And what do I have? Nothing. No one.
I’m not one to be affected by what other people have going on for them. But I can’t help feeling sorry for myself. And I hate it. I hate it very much.
I’m heartbroken and I think I’m not dealing with it well enough. I’m trying to be strong for myself so that I don’t break down. But the love in the air today is choking me.
I just returned from a trip to Ife. After about two days at Victor’s. Being around people helped me take my mind off things. But when I’m alone, I turn to comedy shows and games.
When I cannot escape into those distractions, I think about Mr SF. I think about the stress of meeting someone new. I imagine the type of man I’d end up with.
How many people would I date before I meet him? Would I fall in love with him or just settle? What kind of man would he be? Definitely not the typical Nigerian man — I’d rather remain single. All of these make me really sad. There are so many uncertainties, I hate uncertainties.
I know this too shall pass. It doesn’t feel like that at the moment but I know it will.
I got this strong feeling to reach out to Mr SF earlier today. I don’t know if it’s because of Valentine’s but I just wanted to know how he was doing.
He’s well. He’s back in Nigeria and has a new job. Good for him. I don’t know if it helped but it was good to know that he’s fine.
I still don’t want to be his friend, I’m obviously still in love with him but I need to move on. I’m trying, it’s hard.
It’s sad. I’m sad.